Zombie movies lie. Well, maybe not lie. They were right about a lot of stuff. The blood, the guts, the horror of having your best friend chew your face off, but they never said a word about the sheer indignity of it. This would probably be a good time to mention I’m a zombie. Well, technically I’m not – my body is. I on the other hand get to watch it stagger around running into walls like a drunken idiot. At least it has company. It’s probably more than a little sad that I had to get eaten alive and turned into a shambling, decaying corpse to hang with the popular kids. Just yesterday I saw my body all over that cutie from second period. Granted, he was screaming, but he seems to have warmed up to me since then. He just fell into the same ditch and everything.
Of course my family is still trying to ruin my life. Mom and Dad are holed up in the school with that nerdy Brad Bickles and Sarah Summers. Sarah Summers – seriously? They know she’s had it out for me since fifth grade! Last week she took a pot shot at me! Plus if anyone knew my folks were hanging out with Brad Bickles – I’d be the laughing stock of the whole school! Granted he is a pretty good shot and actually knows what to do with an emergency generator. And then there’s my sister. Apparently bookworms become badass blade wielding Alice-Milla Jovovich clones as soon as a zombie apocalypse hits. Too bad I bought it in the first round, it looks like fun. She did kinda decapitate my ex boyfriend, but he totally had it coming.
I guess there are a few perks to this. There’s no homework – all the teachers got eaten. And the mail stopped coming so my folks never found out that I went over my minutes… by $250. ACTs, SATs, finals, college – all gone. Bet Bickles is disappointed about that. I’d probably be missing it too if I were trapped in there with my folks as they desperately try to fend off my body – and a few dozen others that just busted through the gym doors. But I’m dead – so I don’t really have to worry about that either. I suppose I should root for the living, but I never was big on the whole pep rally rah rahs, and they can’t see me anyways.
My body got stuck on the door frame on the way in. Leave it to me to suck at being a zombie. Least it meant I wasn’t there when my sis chopped second period cutie in half. He was getting kinda drippy oozy anyways. Sarah got dog piled by a zombie football team. Well, she always wanted them to chase after her, probably not quite what she was expecting though. I thought my folks were done for until Bickles started up a zombie bbq in the chem lab and cleared out a couple dozen in one shot. Pretty sure he’s having way too much fun with this.
They finally found me stuck on the door. Mom’s crying. I guess it’s probably rough on her seeing me with only half a face. Other half looks pretty good, my mascara hasn’t even run. That new stuff really works I guess. I’d write a review, but I’m dead. And there isn’t internet anymore. Mom is totally not up to dropping me, and bookworm badass looks like she’s gonna hurl. Please don’t tell me the nerd is going to be the one to off me. I’d die just from embarrassment. Well, if I could die twice. Oh good, looks like Dad’s decided it’s his fatherly duty to behead what’s left of his daughter. Hope they can find a good spot to bury me, cause resting in peace on school grounds would totally–
A.J. Priest is living life and dreaming
up stories about dead people
while unpacking and organizing after a move.
Why do books have to be so heavy?